9 Tips for How to Gain Weight During the Holidays
By McLuvhandles
President of the Massachusetts chapter of the Fat Gainers Association of America. Currently the fastest expanding association in the USA.
If you are a muscle head or hardgainer go to www.tmuscle.com because this article is not about how to gain muscle, it is about how to gain fat and lots of it. Actually, it might help you hardgainers.
Have you ever noticed that around this time of year you are absolutely inundated with stories and articles on how to lose weight. And how in these articles they like to tell you how the average person gains between 5-10 lbs between Thanksgiving and New Years.
Well I want to know where they are getting these “light weights”. They are not even trying. If you follow the tips I give you below you should be able to put on at least 30 lbs of ugly, jiggly fat. Hey, you will finally have that excuse to get the bigger pants or dress.
So let’s flip The Biggest Loser the bird and start our own personal reality show called The Fattest Gainer.
OK, here we go.
1. Drink copious amounts of alcohol. This has a triple weight gaining effect. First, since your body can’t do much of anything else with it, it turns all the alcohol you drink into nice squishy fat. Second, during the time your body is processing the alcohol (what it considers a poison and of high priority) everything else that you consume is also turned into fat. Just like us, our bodies don’t want to work hard and turning food into fat is the easiest thing to do. Third, alcohol is also possibly a muscle waster and since fat burns in the flames of muscle, the less muscle you have the less fat that your body can burn off. Bonus: Add fruit juice or other forms of liquid sugar to your beverage to really pack on the pounds.
And remember the more sugary the better.
2. Eat as much as you can. Portion control. Hah! Why stop at one serving when there is still plenty left to eat? So what you want to do is go to as many parties as possible where the food is served buffet style. Grab the biggest plate you can find (or if they are small, grab a few) all load that bad boy as high as possible. Find a place to sit down ( at the table where the food is is ideal) and eat your food as fast as possible. Make sure that it all gets in your mouth. We don’t want any ‘calorie leakage’. “Food that does not end up in your mouth will never end up around your middle.” Then once you are done make sure you fill it back up as quickly as possible and repeat the previous steps. We want to make sure to get as much food as possible into our systems before our brain tells us that we are full. Once that happens; GAME OVER. Bonus: Convince a fit friend that you are a personal trainer, tell them that you have a great cardio and resistance program for them and have them continuously bring you progressive heavier (piled higher) plates of food. Double bonus: Have them pay you for it. Triple bonus: Getting them to buy multiple sessions.
The only good use for those books.
3. Go to the party as hungry as possible. To do this right I recommend that you eat as little as possible (nothing is ideal) during the day before the party. This is a two pronged attacked. one, you will be so hungry that by the time you get the party you are guaranteed to stuff yourself silly. Two, you will have slowed your metabolism to a crawl (starvation mode baby) so that every thing you eat, especially if your are drinking alcohol (see 1), will get turned into gobs of fat.
Be a hippo. Eat as much as you can as fast as possible.
4. Avoid the fruit and veggie platters. 6-10 a day. Yeah right. Who’s paying for that advertisement? I hear the things are so loaded with pesticides that eating them is guaranteed to give you cancer. And don’t even get me started on organic. Also, why would want to waste the precious room in your stomach on something with so little calories. Bonus: Convince others that you are a registered dietitian and get them to eat only fruits and veggies to leave more of everything else for you.
Avoid at all costs.
5. Always start with hors d’oeuvres. These little calories bombs are usually fried and so high in fat and processed carbs (i.e. white flour) that they are guaranteed to bust your belt. Bonus: Only eat hors d’oeuvres, stay away form main dishes. Double bonus: Make a bet with a fellow holiday weight gainer to see who can eat the most hors d’oeuvres the fastest.
If only they were deep fried.
6. Always finish with desserts. DUH!
Have a least 3 servings of each.
7. Move as little as possible. You want to limit your movements both during and between parties to make sure all that hard earned fat isn’t burned off for energy.
Do whatever the potato does.
8. Eat as few meals as possible every day. Explained in 3.
Fight anorexia. Clean your plate. Repeatedly
9. Always skip breakfast. This one should be a weight gain no brainer. If done right you will still be full from the party the night before. So you will want to wait as long as possible before you eat again. Remember: the hungrier the better. Bonus: Get invited to a party every night and only eat there.
The breakfast of fat gainers every where.
So if you follow only half these tips, I guarantee that you will be at least a couple of pants or dress sizes bigger by year’s end. Ask for those gift certificates for Big & Tall and 16 Plus now. Bonus: If you can get you pannus (the flap of belly fat and skin) to at least mid thigh level.
Oh and if you are one of those wussies that actually want to lose weight this holiday season just do the opposite of what I recommend above and send any fat loss questions to the handsome and fit guy below.
Your friend and trainer,
Paul F. Sweatt
Posted by Paul | in Fitness, Nutrition, Weight Loss Strategies | 1 Comment
I love this article. Awesome job and I will try my best to be the one that eats the most (LOL)! See ya on Saturday:-)