How to Gain Big (fat) During the Big Game
Hello,
McLuvhandles here again.
Did you miss me? Did you follow my rules on how to gain fat over the holiday season?
I know some of you did. I see those clothes fitting just a little bit tighter.
Also, I have received so many applications to join the Fat Gainers Association of America (FGAA) that I am have trouble getting to all of them in a timely fashion. So don’t worry if you sent in an app. and haven’t heard for us, we will be contacting you soon. The FGAA is ever expanding. And still the fastest growing association in America I would like to add. Not that I am bragging or anything.
So how much weight did you put on? 5? 10? 20 lbs? More!?!?! Sadly I only put on about 12 lbs of glorious, chunky applesauce looking fat.
Are you, like me, disappointed in your fat gain over the holidays? Well, don’t fear the Fat Gainer holiday draws near. The day when Fat Gainers everywhere get together, park their fat gainer selfs in front of the TV and stuff their fat gainer mouths silly while participating in the BIG GAME.
I bet you thought the Big Game actually had something to do with football. You did, didn’t you?
Well you be wrong. We fat gainers have been playing the Big Game well before football was an American pastime.
No, the Big Game is where fat gainers in small groups see who can eat the most over a certain period of time while remaining as motionless as possible.
Want to play.
Thought so.
Well, just like any game there are rules and here they are:
Big Game Rule #1.) Starve yourself as long as possible before hand. You want you metabolism as low as possible to make sure everything you eat while you are playing the big game gets stored as fat. Give yourself 5 points for every hour within 24 hours of the Big Game that you don’t eat. 10 points for anything beyond that. Deduct 20 points if you have a meal within two hours of the Big Game. Deduct 40 points if the meal is healthy. Deduct 50 points if you have a handful of almonds right before the Big Game because doing this has been shown to make you less hungry.
Don’t waste precious stomach space on these.
Big Game Rule #2.) Drink only nutrition free, calorie dense beverages. If you are old enough and can, make sure everything you drink contains alcohol. In case you forgot from my previous article, until your processes all that alcohol everything you eat gets turned into fat. Doesn’t that sound delicious. Give yourself 5 points for every alcoholic beverage that you consume. 10 points if it is a sugar ladened alcoholic beverage (ex. hard lemonade, margarita, etc.). Deduct 20 points for every 160z glass of water that you drink. Deduct 50 points for every cup of tea you have. Tea, especially the green variety, has been shown to cause an increase in your metabolic rate.
Green tea: it’s like poison to fat cells.
Deduct 200 points if you combine a cup of green tea with a handful of almonds before the Big Game.
Big Game Rule #3.) Move as little as possible. Since moving has been shown to burn calories you want to remain as stationary as possible during (and before and after) the Big Game. From the time you get to where you are playing the Big Game until all the food is gone, you should not move. Give yourself 20 points for every hour during the Big Game that you remain in your seat. Give yourself and extra 50 points if you never get up until all food is consumed. I recommend depends and someone to serve you, you will need them both. Give yourself an extra 100 points if you get a designated feeder and remain perfectly stationary the whole time. Deduct 10 points for every time that you get up to get food. 20 points for every hour that you are standing. Deduct 50 points for every hour you are moving around. Deduct 100 points if you are the designated server. That can be considered exercise and that is just shameful. And finally deduct 1000 points if you did some form of interval training earlier in the day as this raise your metabolism considerably and will burn off too much fat (especially from your midsection).
Romi Bean (Chargers cheerleader) is available to be your server. Being your feeder may cost you big though.
Big Game Rule #4.) Eat only high fat, calorie dense food. Why would you want to eat anything else? Give yourself 1 point for every wing, finger, popper and slice of pizza you eat (or the equivalent). 2 points for every small bowl of chili and small plate of mac and cheese you eat. 5 points if it is a large bowl or plate. 10 points for every hot dog. 20 points it it is covered in “the works”. 1 point for everything else. Deduct 5 points for every vegetable stick that you consume. Deduct 10 points for every one of them that is plain (no dressing). Deduct 500 points if you only eat healthy for the entire Big Game.
Just looking at that pic, deduct 5000 points.
Bonus points a.k.a. Mini Big Games (points determined by player vote):
See who can get the most blue cheese dressing on a single wing.
See who can scarf a whole large pizza the fastest. The more toppings the greater the points awarded.
See who can consume 10 alcoholic beverages the fastest. More points awarded if they are loaded with sugar.
And whatever other Mini Big Games you can come up with.
For every 50 points that you accrue during the Big Game you should expect about 1 lb of glorious fat to deposit itself around your middle. So if you take it easy and consume until it hurts, you should have an extra 5 lbs of fat just in time for Valentine’s day. Good luck and happy eating.
Oh yeah. If for some reason you feel guilty from all your gluttony during the Big Game (wuss) you can contact the FGAA arch nemesis below. Not only am I positive that he will only be serving healthy food at his (not so) Big Game party while snacking on almonds and drinking green tea. He also has made it his mission to destroy all the precious fat that you worked so hard to gain. He has been helping former FGAA members for 10 years as a weight loss expert in Wellesley. If you see him, tell him that McLuvhandles says {expletive deleted by administrator}.
Paul here. I can’t believe he did it to me again. Even with a restraining order and a lawsuit there is not stopping McLovhandles and his fat gainers. McLuvhandles is just upset to lose a former FGAA member to the Light(er) Side of the force. Guess its time to break out the big guns. And no, I am not referring to my arms. I am referring to someone else’s. Until next time.
Your friend and trainer,
Paul
P.S. You better end up with a negative point value after the Big Game. You don’t want the fat gainers to win, do you?
Posted by Paul | in Fitness, Nutrition, Weight Loss Strategies | 2 Comments
McLuvhandles is my last hope…no one…absoultely no one has been able to tell me what muscle tone is….my last hope is McLuvhandles….Mr. McLuvhandles….please…..what is muscle tone?
Thanks for adding Romi Bean to the post!