If you actually listened and implemented the advice that Mr. Sweatt gives in these pages you probably have  lost some or all of the weight that you are trying to lose.  And become way healthier.

Hopefully you are like most people and you either:

a.) Just read it and forgot it or

b.) Once you saw that what Mr. Sweatt recommended is either too hard or too different from the norm you decided to keep doing what you are doing even though you are still not seeing the results you want.

If you are the former, you are probably starting to miss that spare tire that you were lugging around for so long.

Well don’t fear.  MacLuvhandles is here.

Up, up and aw…ah screw it.  TAXI!

So for those of you that want to pull a Chris “Tiger” Stockbridge and gain back most (if not all) of the fat you have lost just read below (and actually implement the advice I give) and you will be back in your fat pant in no time.

Now you say, “OK. More sleep check. Wait, how do I get more sleep?”

“No matter how hard I try I can’t get more than 6 hours.”

“But if I try to go to bed early I wake up early.”

“I wake up in the middle of the night and can’t fall back to sleep.”

Unless you are a brand new parent, getting more sleep is easy. Just follow these tips for a better night’s sleep.

A.)  Start to unwind early. About 30 minutes to an hour before you want to go to bed turn off the TV or Computer, turn down the radio (or put it on more soothing music) and dim the lights (if you can). This signals the body to get ready to sleep.

If it is good enough for your computer, it is good enough for you.

B.)  Develop a routine. Try to stick to a regular bed time.  And to get your body ready, come up with a sleep routine that will tell your body that it is time for bed (see A).

C.)  Set regular times that you will go to bed and wake up.  If you go to bed and wake up at roughly the same time everyday (weekends too) it will be much easier to fall and stay asleep. Eventually your body will tell you that it is time to go to bed.  Listen to it.

D.)  Get rid of all distractions. The easiest way to do this to wear earplugs and one of those light blocking  eye masks,  If you find those too uncomfortable to sleep with (I do),  get some light blocking curtains and a shade and a small but loud fan.  If you go the fan route, make sure that you get one that does not rattle.  That can keep you awake itself.

Zzzzzzz.

E.)  Have the right mattress for you.  Make sure that you find a mattress that you can sleep comfortably on and is supportive.  If you can’t get comfortable, you are not going to sleep.

F.)  Get regular exercise. Make sure that you get in at least 60 minutes of some form of physical activity though out the day everyday.  This can be broken down into pieces and does not have to be done at once.  Word of warning: do not be too active close to bed time.  This can increase your body temperature and make it difficult to fall asleep.

What sleep and exercise can do for your body.

G.)  Lay off the stimulants.  Try to limit caffeine intake to the morning. And be especially wary if you take it in pill form.  It may not digest correctly and hit you in the middle of the night.  I have been a victim to this in the past. It’s not fun.  If you are especially caffeine sensitive like I am even the (extremely) little dose found in decaf can keep you awake.  Be careful.  And remember caffeine is a drug.

H.)  Don’t smoke.  This should be a no brainer.  Nicotine is a stimulant.  Not only will it keep you awake, it WILL kill you.  Also, it makes you stink.

OOOH, that smell.  Can you smell that smell?

I.)  Avoid alcohol before bed.  No, I am not saying to have your drinks in the morning.  But cut down on your consumption a couple hours before you plan on going to bed.  Alcohol may make you sleepy (I don’t get drunk, just tired) but it is not a restful sleep. Also, when the alcohol wears off your body will wake up.  This usually happens in the middle of the night, unless of course you drank heavily.  NOT recommended.

J.) Give yourself the right to go to sleep. Give yourself permission to go to bed and get a restful night sleep to rejuvenate your body.  You deserve it.

Your friend and trainer,

Paul

President of the Massachusetts chapter of the Fat Gainers Association of America.  Currently the fastest expanding association in the USA.

If you are  a muscle head or hardgainer go to www.tmuscle.com because this article is not about how to gain muscle, it is about how to gain fat and lots of it.  Actually, it might help you hardgainers.

Have you ever noticed that around this time of year you are absolutely inundated with stories and articles on how to lose weight.  And how in these articles they like to tell you how the average person gains between 5-10 lbs between Thanksgiving and New Years.

Well I want to know where they are getting these “light weights”.  They are not even trying.  If you follow the tips I give you below you should be able to put on at least 30 lbs of ugly, jiggly fat.  Hey, you will finally have that excuse to get the bigger pants or dress.

So let’s flip The Biggest Loser the bird and start our own personal reality show called The Fattest Gainer.

OK, here we go.

1.  Drink copious amounts of alcohol.   This has a triple weight gaining effect.  First, since your body can’t do much of anything else with it, it turns all the alcohol you drink into nice squishy fat.  Second, during the time your body is processing the alcohol (what it considers a poison and of high priority)  everything else that you consume is also turned into fat.  Just like us, our bodies don’t want to work hard and turning food into fat is the easiest thing to do. Third, alcohol is also possibly a muscle waster and since fat burns in the flames of muscle, the less muscle you have the less fat that your body can burn off.   Bonus:  Add fruit juice or other forms of liquid sugar to your beverage to really pack on the pounds.

And remember the more sugary the better.

2.  Eat as much as you can.  Portion control.  Hah!  Why stop at one serving when there is still plenty left to eat? So what you want to do is go to as many parties as possible where the food is served buffet style.  Grab the biggest plate you can find (or if they are small, grab a few) all load that bad boy as high as possible.  Find a place to sit down ( at the table where the food is is ideal) and eat your food as fast as possible.  Make sure that it all gets in your mouth.  We don’t want any ‘calorie leakage’.  “Food that does not end up in your mouth will never end up around your middle.” Then once you are done make sure you fill it back up as quickly as possible and repeat the previous steps.  We want to make sure to get as much food as possible into our systems before our brain tells us that we are full.  Once that happens; GAME OVER.  Bonus:  Convince a fit friend that you are a personal trainer, tell them that you have a great cardio and resistance program for them and have them continuously bring you progressive heavier (piled higher) plates of food. Double bonus:  Have them pay you for it.  Triple bonus:  Getting them to buy multiple sessions.

The only good use for those books.

3. Go to the party as hungry as possible.  To do this right I recommend that you eat as little as possible (nothing is ideal) during the day before the party.  This is a two pronged attacked.  one, you will be so hungry that by the time you get the party you are guaranteed to stuff yourself silly.  Two, you will have slowed your metabolism to a crawl (starvation mode baby) so that every thing you eat, especially if your are drinking alcohol (see 1),  will get turned into gobs of fat.

Be a hippo.  Eat as much as you can as fast as possible.

4. Avoid the fruit and veggie platters.  6-10 a day.  Yeah right. Who’s paying for that advertisement?  I hear the things are so loaded with pesticides that eating them is guaranteed to give you cancer.  And don’t even get me started on organic.  Also, why would want to waste the precious room in your stomach on something with so little calories.  Bonus:  Convince others that you are a registered dietitian and get them to eat only fruits and veggies to leave more of everything else for you.

Avoid at all costs.

5. Always start with hors d’oeuvres. These little calories bombs are usually fried and so high in fat and processed carbs (i.e. white flour) that they are guaranteed to bust your belt.  Bonus:  Only eat hors d’oeuvres, stay away form main dishes.  Double bonus:  Make a bet with a fellow holiday weight gainer to see who can eat the most hors d’oeuvres the fastest.

If only they were deep fried.

6.  Always finish with desserts. DUH!

Have a least 3 servings of each.

7.  Move as little as possible.  You want to limit your movements both during and between parties to make sure all that hard earned fat isn’t burned off for energy.

Do whatever the potato does.

8.  Eat as few meals as possible every day. Explained in 3.

Fight anorexia.  Clean your plate.  Repeatedly

9.  Always skip breakfast.  This one should be a weight gain no brainer.  If done right you will still be full from the party the night before.  So you will want to wait as long as possible before you eat again.  Remember: the hungrier the better.  Bonus:  Get invited to a party every night and only eat there.

The breakfast of fat gainers every where.

So if you follow only half these tips, I guarantee that you will be at least a couple of pants or dress sizes bigger by year’s end.  Ask for those gift certificates for Big & Tall and 16 Plus now.  Bonus: If you can get you pannus (the flap of belly fat and skin) to at least mid thigh level.

Oh and if you are one of those wussies that actually want to lose weight this holiday season just do the opposite of what I recommend above and send any fat loss questions to the handsome and fit guy below.

Your friend and trainer,

Paul F. Sweatt